Alien Jesus

Formatting from Word to Blogger doesn't always cooperate, such as with plays like this one, but here is my science fiction play.


CHARACTERS:

JESUS: an unattractive man in his early 30s with an olive complexion and dark hair, wearing a long, unadorned, shabby, tunic-style robe and well-worn Roman sandals.. He has slightly longish hair and a cropped beard. He speaks with the experienced loudness and tone of a preacher.

CAPTAIN GOD: an older man with albino skin, although still vibrant and agile, with white hair and beard. He is usually in a military uniform covered with medals unless he is appearing to people on Earth, then he wears a sparkling white version of their clothing and makes sure holographic luminescence (bright spotlights) surround him.

MARY MAGDALENE: JESUS’ girlfriend, a woman in her20s with olive skin, wearing a similar robe and a loose fabric head covering.

MARY: JESUS’ mother, about age 45, beautiful but poor looking in old clothes.

.


FADE IN:
JESUS is talking in a corner of small stone dwelling alone on something similar to a BlueTooth. The dwelling is sparsely furnished with simple wood furniture and a stone floor covered with a tattered woven rug. He hurriedly hides the device and walks towards the audience.

JESUS
[Frustrated] That was my father. “Hear me,” he’s always saying; “I’m God, hear me.” ‘I’m your son, and you’re a rat bastard,’ is what I want to say to him. I just can’t believe he wants to annihilate so many people on this planet. I realize he’s making room for the people from his home planet, but that is no excuse to unleash his wrath on this world: MY HOME. [Heavy sigh] I have been creating a movement of peace and love in order to save these people. [Chuckle] You’d be surprised how much my catchphrase, “The meek shall inherit the Earth,” has caught on. If they are no threat to him, heck, if they WORSHIP him, how can he destroy them? He came here, years ago, and convinced many of them that he should be revered, that he even created their world, but too many chose to believe in other gods. I told him that story with the snake and fig leaves was farfetched, but he said they’d swallow it. He chose to impregnate several teenage girls with his DNA, in the hopes hybridity would save his dying species, but many children and mothers died in the process. He improved the process and tried with Mary, and I was the result. He left me alone to be ridiculed as a bastard and to watch so many in our village die from illness and famine. I have grown so angry at him, but my best way to sock it to Captain God is to— [BEAT while shimmery sound effect for the rematerializer is heard] That’s my deadbeat dad now.

GOD
Suddenly appears with a bright spotlight on him and angelic music playing in the background
I am busy, son, how dare you keep me waiting!

JESUS
Shaking his head and speaks mockingly
Really, Dad? Lighting and sound effects for me? You shouldn’t have.

GOD
I never know who’s watching.

JESUS
And here I thought you were all OMNISCIENT and everything. [Laughs]

GOD
Will you shut up and listen, you rotten child? If only I had found another compatible female I would have aborted you before or AFTER your birth! But I will keep up the charade of actually loving you and such for the masses. They seem to like that whole “family values” crap. Why I have come down from the ship is to inform you that your little show of love and peace is likely to get you killed. As much as I am not personally attached to your sorry ass, your combined DNA makes you valuable to me. Why you must complicate things with your demonstrations eludes me—

JESUS
It’s amazing ANYONE believes the whole “God knows all” routine.

GOD
SHUT [BEAT] UP!! I don’t ACTUALLY need you ALIVE to harvest your DNA. In fact, it might be more convenient to have you stuck in suspended animation and harvest much more than you could live through—or at least more than we could repair. You could look like one of those lepers you seem to love so much, how would you enjoy that? I have come to tell you that we have found a way to turn your impending capture and death to our advantage.

JESUS
Wait? Did you say MY DEATH?

GOD
Did you really think you could flaunt your miracles in front of them and have no consequences? They have no grasp of our technology. I know you’ve gotten Werlander to use our rematerialization technology and modern medicine to help with your little show, but that stops now. No more magical replication of loaves and fishes to feed the hungry or transported injections of medication, do you hear me? And making the water solid so that you and your friends could walk on it? Do you have any idea how much that taxes our anti-gravity unit? I’m cutting you off and taking you off of this planet.

JESUS
So I’m NOT going to die?

GOD
Oh, no, you’re going to die alright—rather painfully, I might add. You deserve no less. But we do have a plan in place to revive you. DON’T make me change my mind on that little detail, okay? Now, I must be off before my appearance is noticed. Just follow the plan.

JESUS turns around and heads away from GOD when he hears a rustling coming towards the room. Lights go out on GOD. MARY MAGDALENE rushes into the room.. JESUS appears as relieved to see her as she is to find him.

MARY MAGDALENE
She calls out to a servant by the door
I’ve found JESUS! [BEAT] [To JESUS, out of breath] I have been looking for you everywhere. I keep telling people that finding JESUS is harder than they think, but no one listens. There is commotion in the town square. They speak of having you crucified for heresy! You must run into hiding.

JESUS
No, I won’t run and hide. I have done nothing wrong and my God will protect me. Spread the word that I will come and speak in my own behalf to their charges.

MARY MAGDALENE
But JESUS, you may be an amazing guy and all, but you will be killed. Even someone with your powers cannot escape death. Please, I will go with you anywhere. Let us come and be gone from those wishing to hurt you. I’m not letting you get out of this relationship so easily.

JESUS
No, I will be fine, my love. They can’tt hurt me. My father in the starship Heaven will protect me. I am part of him, even if only DNA. He’ll come for us. Have faith in me, will you? Have I steered you wrong yet?

MARY MAGDALENE
No, my sweet. I will follow you…even to this alien world of which you speak. I don’t understand, but I do know I believe in you. I just…it’s not always easy to believe you can work miracles.

She hugs him, sniffles, and exits. JESUS reaches inside his robe for his BlueTooth and puts it on.

JESUS
Oh, Captain God, hear me? [BEAT] The Earth people are following through with their plans to crucify me like you had anticipated. Request extraction of myself and Mary Magdalene immediately. I would prefer not to die here, Father. I know you didn’t mean what you said. No father would want their son to die, not even to prove a point.

CAPTAIN GOD
They say I am merciful, but not today. As for your mating female, are you certain it is advisable to bring the alien woman onboard? Could she even survive our decontamination procedures? The last of her species we collected did not.

JESUS
Father, you are collecting me, aren’t you? I have lived nearly all of my life on this planet. Surely you can relax decontamination somewhat for us. I don’t intend to leave without her. What life would I have with an Essian female? I would be seen as defective in our culture, but this woman literally worships me. You need my DNA to help repopulate your species, and I say she is coming. In this case, MINE not thy will be done.

FADE OUT

FADE IN:
JESUS is wearing a crown of thorns, bleeding, and hanging on the cross. As per the custom of the day, he is naked (the actor is wearing a flesh-colored garment and other crosses and such hide his nether regions from view. Mary and Mary Magdalene are off a short distance away, crying.

JESUS
Moans in agony and frustration
At least my executioners didn’t notice my communicator. CALL DAD. [BEAT] No, don’t annihilate Jerusalem. Father, Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. [BEAT] What do you mean the rematerializer is offline? Kinda dying here, folks! This is not exactly a time to have technical difficulties. [BEAT] Yes, yes, I know medical science on Essia has made great strides in reviving the dead and I have a good chance of coming back…but does anyone else see the problem with the idea that I might not? Wouldn’t you prefer to harvest my DNA while I’m ALIVE? That was a joke earlier, right Dad? [Stops to moan in pain and starts speaking breathlessly] No? Uh, I see. Well, that’s discomforting. MUTE. [To self] I get to be here in agony and find out my evil father wishes me dead. What a fine day. It should be declared a national holiday with obligatory presents, and glow-in-the-dark forest animals, and a crazed man who looks like my dad threatening everyone into being good. [Speaking back into BlueTooth] UNMUTE. How about annihilating the place then, after all? Just try to save my two favorite Marys, okay? [BEAT] No, you’ve decided to wait it out? Um, gee, thanks. God, why have you forsaken me? Have I really been so evil? [BEAT] You have a plan? Yeah, I’ve heard that one before. [BEAT] No, no, I will follow your orders. END CALL.

[To self] Ugh, he always plays on the miserable who have no choice. Still, I hope I can live through this long enough not to die. Like I have a choice. At least my alien DNA makes this pain bearable. This is not how I saw this playing out, though. For one thing, my plan involved me wearing clothes. I’m a big fan of clothes. Fabric absorbs blood, too. I’m not a big fan of bleeding. Father, why? WHY? [howls in pain]

FADE OUT

FADE IN:
JESUS is in a tomb, and sheet-white aliens who are quite tall and broad-shouldered are giving him medical attention. They appear to be reviving him, giving him oxygen, etc., but with futuristic equipment. Light is provided by obvious high-tech artificial “alien” lamps they brought with them which have a pale green light and are strangely shaped. Voices are put through a filter or made unusual by the actors.

ALIEN NURSE
Doctor, the coma persists. It appears his Earth DNA is killing him. It is less resilient than our own.

ALIEN DOCTOR
This is God’s son; we had better find a way to revive him. Use the Oralinite stimulator to encourage his Essian DNA to take control. I, for one, do not want to end up spending the rest of our journey imprisoned or worse. If he dies—really dies—here, I plan on a quiet life as a medicine man on a remote island somewhere on this planet. Here, I would be revered. Life aboard ship would not be, uh, pleasant.

The ALIEN NURSE hands the ALIEN DOCTOR a contraption which he frantically uses on JESUS.

ALIEN NURSE
It’s working, Doctor! His vital signifiers are increasing.

ALIEN DOCTOR
Good. Good. We may see our families again after all. CALL GOD. Yes, Captain, he lives. What? Why? Okay, okay, I will let him know when he regains consciousness.

ALIEN NURSE
He should be awake soon, Sir. If I may ask, is there yet another problem?

ALIEN DOCTOR
The plan had been to leave a replica of JESUS here so that no one ever questioned his death, but it appears there was an explosion in the chemistry lab and the replica was destroyed. Also, God says JESUS cannot take anyone with him up to Heaven and wants to make a big spectacle of his resurrection. It’s just a bonus, as far as God’s concerned, that it will distract Jesus from bringing his females with him. The main point is to put on a show of superiority for when God returns to conquer this world.

JESUS
[Groggily] Conquer? What has my father done now?

ALIEN DOCTOR
Please. We fear God greatly. You must not inform him of our telling you this. He wishes to use the rematerializers to show you returning in a spectacle to Heaven. He wants everyone on this planet to revere you and him both. He also wishes to keep your from bringing your girlfriend or anyone else along. (BEAT) I just want you to know that I’m of the school of thought that live DNA is more useful for breeding our new race, but your father, and I use that term loosely, seems to find you disposable. Tread carefully with him. You won’t want to deal with an angry God. Trust me.

JESUS
Well, I cannot live here among people who watched me die. And I cannot hide a human from my father. Still, I must at least say goodbye to those I love. Even God cannot deny me that—not if a spectacle is his idea. (BEAT) Hand me your laser rifle.

JESUS takes the weapon to move the boulder blocking the tomb entrance.

ALIEN DOCTOR
We will wait a few moments and then transport up to the ship to tell your father you are up and about. Good luck.

JESUS walks out of the tomb to see MARY MAGDALENE approaching with a basket of flowers. She has obviously been crying and shows shock and even fear as she looks up to see him. He has obvious wounds from his crucifixion that have not healed but are not bleeding.

JESUS
Be not afraid, my lovely Mary. Touch my hands and see that I am still flesh and bone.
She slowly comes towards him, still kneeling as if in worship.

JESUS
Arise, my love. I want to look at you one last time, for I must say goodbye. God is calling for me to go live with him in Heaven. I shall return, though, for I must see you (and everyone else) again soon. Come. Let us go tell everyone that I have arisen, shall we?

FADE OUT

FADE IN:
JESUS walks into the center of the city with Mary Magdalene. Stares and gasps follow them and crowds are forming around him. JESUS raises his hands for silence and more gasps accompany the sight of his wounds.

JESUS
Be not afraid, my beloved people. I forgive you for crucifying me, but God requires your obedience to him for having killed his son. This is all confusing, but I will return to create his kingdom here on Earth.

JESUS hugs and kisses the people as they all try to touch him. He starts to rise up in a glowing ball of light to cheers and “I don’t’ believe it,” etc., from the crowd.

JESUS
[To himself as he raises up into the air and the audience sees a shimmer of light and hears the sound of the rematerializer as he goes up out of sight] Sure. NOW the rematerializer works!

FADE OUT:

THE END